“He always wants to be entertained with something… He gets bored… If we don’t play with him, he definitely wants the screen.” In recent years, our conversations with parents have started with this sentence. Filling the gaps with the screen or the games offered to him dulls a very valuable skill that every child must acquire developmentally: the capacity to be alone.
According to British child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott, this skill is one of the most important indicators of a child's emotional health and inner world. According to Winnicott, a child's capacity to be alone develops as a result of the basic secure attachment experience. In a relationship where the primary caregiver is "good enough", meets the child's needs in a timely manner and is "there" with him/her spiritually, the child feels safe even when separated from the caregiver. This sense of security enables the child to play on his/her own, return to his/her inner world and engage in creative processes. Being alone here is not abandonment, but a way of creating an inner space where the child feels his/her own existence and recognizes his/her boundaries. One of Winnicott's famous concepts, "good enough mother", prepares the ground for the child's ability to cope with loneliness. The child first learns to be alone with the mother. Then, he/she manages to stay in touch with his/her internal representation in her/his physical absence. These experiences build an area of inner solidity that the individual will use throughout his/her life.
However, in the digital age, these inner areas are not given enough time. Free time, moments of boredom and stagnation are immediately filled with a screen. However, children need to be bored. Boredom is a call for the child to turn to internal resources. When this call is immediately answered digitally, the child turns to ready and external stimuli instead of seeking creative solutions. In this way, they get used to dealing with constant stimulation, not loneliness.
Screen use eventually becomes a regulation tool that replaces the capacity to be alone. However, real emotional regulation is achieved through the methods developed within the person. In other words, presenting a screen when the child is bored and does not know what to do reinforces the child's ability to cope with boredom, but rather the child's reflex to escape that feeling. Over time, this paves the way for a child profile that cannot imagine, cannot create games on its own, and experiences internal tension when alone.
Being able to be alone is important for the child to be able to be alone with himself and to be able to carry his feelings. As Winnicott stated, this skill is a developmental achievement and should be supported patiently for every child. Although screens seem to open up the outside world, they often distance the child from his inner world.
Summer vacation is a great opportunity to support children’s capacity for solitude. Making room for silences, troubles and gaps allows children to recognize their inner strength. Instead of offering solutions to every moment of distress, parents creating “bearable solitudes” with their children is one of the greatest contributions to emotional growth. Because when children are alone, they learn to build a world from within. And that world connects them to both themselves and life.
The capacity to be alone may vary according to the child's age and character. For example; in the 0-2 age period, children are dependent on the physical presence of the primary caregiver. "The capacity to be alone" is not physiologically possible for this age. Separation anxiety is at its peak between 6-18 months. Brief momentary separations (for example: staying in another room for a few minutes) can be tolerated with small steps. In the 3-4 age period, the child now has a mental representation of the caregiver (in Winnicott's words, "transitional objects" become clear in this period). Time spent playing alone: 5-10 minutes. Role-playing is seen with imaginary friends or toys. Short-term focus develops in activities such as drawing pictures on one's own and playing with cubes. The basis of the capacity to be alone at this age is linked to the child's trust in the outside world as well as the play they establish in their inner world. For this reason, we do not want children to have screens in their lives during this period. A 5-6 age child may now experience a feeling such as "being bored", but their coping strategies are limited. They can make up stories on their own and create a play area using their imagination. He/she can play alone and quietly for 10–20 minutes. However, this solitude should not feel like “abandonment.” The capacity to be alone increases in the 7–9 age period because the child’s perception of time develops (for example, when told “I’ll be back in 20 minutes,” he/she can wait). Internal speech has developed; he/she thinks silently, can create stories and plans within himself/herself. He/she can do tasks that require focus, such as reading books, writing, and completing puzzles on his/her own. Being alone can sometimes become a need (“He/she may say, “I want to be alone for a while”). Creating “semi-structured spaces” is important in this age group. In other words, offering options such as “If you get bored, you can do something with the materials in this box” is useful.
The ages of 10-12 are the age of establishing a balance between the inner and outer worlds. Being alone does not only involve play, but also intellectual production: writing letters, daydreaming, drawing, walking alone, etc. Although physical contact with their parents decreases, they still need mental connection. Boredom tolerance develops with increasing emotional maturity. Being alone at this age increases the child's self-awareness. Activities such as journaling, nature observations, and planning deepen the inner life. You can help the child identify this with questions such as "What does spending time with yourself look like?"
The capacity to be alone is not an innate characteristic, but a skill that develops over time and with support. Time spent without screens nurtures this skill. Respecting the developmental characteristics of each age, allowing children space to be bored, wait, and be with their inner worlds makes them emotionally stronger, more creative, and more resilient individuals.
Photos: iStock
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